another thing:

08/10/06

there’s this boy.
i recently moved to my current location for graduate school. my mom came with to help with the move. she left on june twentyfirst, and june twentysecond was my first day of work.
work, by the way, equals doing research in a biology lab toward my doctorate.
that day, an undergraduate visiting from a faraway school to do research in the lab for the summer followed me home. we walked out together, and he just sort of came home with me. and he lived at my apartment until three days ago.
now, you have to understand some things about me for any of this to mean anything.
i am very shy. socially awkward. times a million. i could barely even talk to the kid.
i am not one to seek out relationships. friendships, even. i have had one boyfriend. (and one girlfriend.) i like being alone.
i had never had sex. (until june twentythird.)
so, now that we’re up to speed. i fucking brought the boy home with me. we spent every minute together. we weren’t an item or anything, we just were together all the time and had sex every couple of days. not a relationship, really. also, if you read the previous post, yes, the boy knows all about the girl.
even so, with no real emotional attachment to the boy himself, a big deal for me. i’ve never had someone else sleeping in my bed. someone staring at my naked body. i’d never awoken with an arm draped over me. i’d never bought a condom.
and now he is gone. gone away, never to be seen again.
this has left me in somewhat of a lurch.
i’ve never lived in my apartment alone. my mom was here for the first week, and then this kid. so it’s very strange. i haven’t gotten used to not waiting for someone to walk in the door.
i mentioned that we spent all our time together. by together, i mostly mean together alone, or together in very large anonymous groups (like at bars, for example). this means that i did not spend time with anyone else. so, i’ve discovered that i know no one. my other labmates have gotten past the initial phase of trying to introduce me to the social scene and are no longer interested in hanging out with me. you’ll recall that i do not seek out friendship and like to spend time alone. while these things are true, they worry me a little. don’t i need a friend here, just one? all the activities i’m used to in my new city seem like they’d need more than just me. i would feel so weird walking into a bar alone.
the stated reason for the boy being here was that he wanted to get me out of my box. push my buttons until i explode. apparently those first few hours afer we met, he decided that i was terribly shut off from reality and particular about strange things. and he decided that he was going to help me fix that. (as if it were a problem.) so now i’m questioning my whole life. all the conversations we had, they’ve got my foundations shaken. they’ve got me noticing that i don’t really have foundations. they’ve got me wanting to change my life, to shake things up, and having no idea at all how to do that.
this, on top of the fact that my best friend’s never going to look at me the same way again. sort of feels like everything’s falling apart.

this is the boy. right before he left, at about four in the morning. well, the boy and me.
the boy.

it’s like a cigarette in the mouth
or a handshake in the doorway
i look at you and smile because i’m fine
.

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